


Auntie Cruella’s Scavenger Hunt

by LadyLaviniya



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Babysitting, Crack, Dogs, Emma is a cinnamon roll, Gen, Humor, Implied Sea DeVil, Lily is a mouthy kid, Scavenger Hunts, chapter cap not set in stone, me @ me: hey finish this please thank, moral of this story? don’t let this woman babysit your babus, seriously don’t, there are so many doggos in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 22:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14388594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLaviniya/pseuds/LadyLaviniya
Summary: She’s finally found use for the little brat.If there’s one thing Cruella de Vil hates more than not being able to kill for her own pleasure, it’s keeping something alive for someone else. Sure, Maleficent is the bee’s knees, but her daughter...Well, actually, on second thought, Lily could use a mentor to steer her in the right direction. :)





	Auntie Cruella’s Scavenger Hunt

**Author's Note:**

> hello hi i’m a depressed mess trying to be funny.
> 
> the concept for this story has actually been in my head for a few years ~~holy shit has it been that long?~~ but i finally decided to write it out because if i don’t someone else prolly will maybe.
> 
> anyways, have fun!

Children are pesky little hellions. They scream incessantly for no reason. When they’re not screaming, they’re whining, and when they’re not whining, they’re crying. One can never have a moment’s peace when dealing with them.

But as much as Cruella hates the idea of being within a hundred and one feet of those snot-nosed brats, her hatred for Maleficent at this very moment overrides it all.

“Dahling, you must be joking. I mean, really, leaving me alone with that girl?” she scoffs, leaning against the door, “I thought you were smarter than that. What am I going to do with her for the next _five_ bloody hours?”

“You’ll think of something.” At the vanity, Maleficent chuckles while adjusting her dragon brooch into position. “And, on the contrary, I think this is the best decision I’ve made in this realm. Apart from reconciling with Regina, that is.”

Cruella rolls her eyes. There is nothing more useless in the world than a lovesick dragon.

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any softer,” she mumbles.

“And _that girl_ has a name, I’ll thank you to recall.”

Ugh, right.

They turn their sights to the bed—one in adoration, the other contempt—where the girl in question sits at the foot of it, swinging one leg and then the other as she watches her mother get ready for her outing. To her credit, she stays silent despite the attention upon her.

Maleficent rises from her seat, smiling. Still eyeing her child, she folds her arms and asks, “Remind us what it is, Cruella, dear?”

Cruella groans. Still petty. “Lilith.”

“Or Lily,” says Lily. She offers a toothy grin. “No one ever calls me Lilith, not even Mama when she’s mad. Well, Ms. Blanchard does sometimes, but only when she sees me doin’ something I’m not supposed to, and only at recess when she’s on yard duty.”

“Interesting.”

Must resist the urge to yawn.

Maleficent’s smile broadens. “Isn’t she?” Lily stops kicking her feet when Maleficent kneels before her, clasping small hands in her own, and tenderly brings their foreheads together. “Mama’s going to miss her little dragon very much today. You be good for your Auntie Cruella, all right, dear? Do as she says and use that big brain of yours to keep out of trouble, okay?”

Lily nods. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, by a swordsman will I die, and should that not come forth to pass, you can kick me on my... butt.”

Maleficent laughs. “I’ve never heard that one before! You’ll have to teach me later.”

“I will! Promise!”

And Maleficent seals the deal with a kiss as she stands, leaving a big, red print on her daughter’s forehead like a scarlet letter. Lily giggles and initiates a hug which lasts longer than it should. Cruella rolls her eyes again and heads downstairs. These were the times she wishes Ursula was still around. She was pleasant in more ways than one, and so much more fun.

Mal’s condition is worse than they ever could have imagined. Gone is the feisty dragon sorceress who terrified entire kingdoms at the very mention of her name, and in her place, a sappy maternal wyrm with questionable taste in babysitters.

“God, is that what I am now?” She steps before the mirror in the den and checks herself. Furs, still soft and fine. Hair, one-of-a-kind and all hers. Is she thinner than she was, or was that just a trick?

“Cruella de Vil, _babysitter_?” She shudders. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”

“—and then Emma said she’s gonna show me him if her mommy and daddy say yes, and maybe we could have a sleepover too!”

Oh, God, here they come.

“Is that so? Well, I’ll have to meet her parents first, but I’m sure we can do that sometime soon.”

“I know where Ms. Blanchard’s room is. It’s Room Nine in the next hall over. Emma goes there after school all the time. When you pick me up on Monday, can we ask her then?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Lily is the first to reach the floor, her forehead now clean of Maleficent’s lipstick. She skips about in a circle as she waits for her mother to catch up, and when she does, Lily calms, takes her by the hand, and lets her lead.

Maleficent nods respectfully when she nears. “I hope you know, Cruella, I quite appreciate you looking after my darling daughter. It’s so hard to find good help these days.”

Cruella sneers. “I still don’t know what has you so convinced I’m the only one fit to watch her. Full offense, darling, but maternity is a bottle I wouldn’t drink from even if you paid me all the bloody diamonds and furs in the world.”

“Simple.” Eyes narrowing, Maleficent steps forward, leaning her face so close their noses almost touch. “There’s no way in Hell you can even try to kill her now.”

And for a split-second, the old girl returns, and Cruella remembers why she and Ursula loved Maleficent in the first place.

* * *

“Let’s go over the rules one more time.”

Lily groans. Cruella, now seated on the couch with her favorite flask, agrees. She could almost feel sorry for the little thing.

Almost.

“No using magic without a trusted magic user present.”

Seeing she wasn’t going to get out of it, Lily settles for crossing her arms while looking up at her mother. “No setting fires unless it’s to light the fireplace at a very close range.”

“Treats are for...?”

“Finished homework.” Maleficent nods.

“And most importantly?”

“No shifting into a dragon around Auntie Cruella. Ever.”

“That’s right!”

Cruella clicks her tongue. “You are such a wet blanket, Mal.”

Maleficent gives her a cheeky grin. “You understand.”

“Sorry, I really don’t.”

Lily helps Maleficent with her coat and hat to the best of her ability, and they exchange one final hug and kiss before Maleficent leaves and Lily locks the door. When Regina’s car pulls up by the house, and they hear the passenger side close, Lily waves to her mother from the window. When the car is no longer visible, she plants herself at the farthest end of the couch and peers over cautiously.

“So... did you mother name you Cruella, or did you pick it out yourself?”

“Oh, fuck you, Mal...” mutters Cruella. She uses her idle hand to beckon Lily to her while she takes a swig from her flask. “Come here, dahling. Sit by your Auntie Cru. I’ve got something special for you.”

Lily obliges, getting as close to her as she dares. When she is within arm’s reach, Cruella hands her the flask. “Take a sip; there’s a good girl. And if you like it, you can have it all.”

“What is it?” asks Lily, scrunching her nose. She gives a hesitant shake to see how much there is, and eases when she finds less than expected.

“Didn’t your mother teach you to try something before making that face? Drink up, dahling.”

The brat doesn’t take the bait. She passes back the flask and moves a full seat away.

Damn.

“Not up for trying new things today, Lily?” Lily shakes her head.

“Not that thing. Mama says I’m too young.”

That earns her a chuckle. “Your mama isn’t here. And when going over the rules just now, I didn’t hear her say you couldn’t. Which means you can...” She offers again. “And I’m allowing it.”

Lily smiles. “She didn’t say because she knows I have too much common sense to be tricked, Auntie. I know what happens when you drink that stuff, and if that happens to adults, it might happen to me. And if it happens to me, it might kill me, and Mama _did_ say you can’t do that now, so there!”

This little...

“All right, Miss. Smarty Pants—!” snarls Cruella, capping her flask and tossing it aside. Reaching over, she grabs Lily by the arm despite her protests and pulls her down so their elbows dig into the couch’s middle seat. “We both agree this arrangement is the _worst_ idea Maleficent has ever had her entire life, including the time she tried to host a dinner party. You don’t like me, and I really don’t like you. What will it take to keep you good and quiet the five, long, torturous hours she has forced us to spend together? Hmmm? Name your game, brat. What do you want?”

Lily seems unfazed by how tight her grip is, but admittedly, if she even gave so much as a whimper, that would’ve endeared her to Cruella greatly. “Let me go and play a game with me, Auntie Cru. A logic game. Or charm some dogs to play with me. I want to see you use your magic.”

She releases with a push. Taking another long gulp of whiskey, Cruella crosses her legs and leans back into the comfortable softness of her second favorite fur coat. She knows nothing of games apart from the classic cat-and-mouse chase, but this cat is in indefinite exile.

Logic games... those are puzzles, and Maleficent is always going on about how clever her little hellspawn is. Of course she likes puzzles, she takes after her mother. And she wants to play with the puppies, does she? Well, at the very least the dogs can serve as distraction, at most take over the babysitting duty altogether.

“Damn... all out...” she mutters all too soon, pouting at the emptiness of her flask. She rises and heads for the kitchen to grab a bottle of whatever she can find, praying not to find the little snot-nosed mischief-maker trailing her like some kind of imprinted animal.

She heaves a sigh of relief when Lily turns on the television. Good. That means she has more time to figure things out. She grabs the first bottle of alcohol she sees—more whiskey, good enough—and paces about to see what materials she has at her disposal. Once that’s taken care of, she’ll call for the dogs.

Opening the drawer with all the utensils, Cruella pulls out a sharp knife, smiling as she runs a careful finger along the wrong end of the shiny, clean blade.

The brat likes games? She’ll give her a game.

* * *

Half an hour later, Lily pads into the kitchen just as Cruella finishes the last of the whiskey.

“I’m hungry,” she says. “Are you going to cook, Auntie Cruella?”

Cruella scoffs. “What do you think? Does it _look_ like I can cook?”

Lily shakes her head and backs up a few paces. “You look like you cook worse than Mama, and she burns everything. Must be a dragon thing, I guess. Auntie Ursula could cook. She made very good fish sticks and killer clam chowder.”

“She sure did,” mumbles Cruella, breaking into a fond smile. “Her clam chowder was best I’ve ever tasted.”

She gets no answer to that, but she doesn’t mind. Setting the empty bottle down on the table, Cruella bends slightly, hands on her knees to steady herself, looking Lily straight in the eye. For some reason, the little thing backs away even further. Rude.

Cruella smiles placidly. “Tell me, do dragons like treasure, Lily?”

“Yes...” Lily drawls, furrowing her brow, “Why?”

“You like treasure, don’t you, dahling?”

A nod.

“Good! I’ve been thinking...” Unable to stand like that anymore, Cruella pulls up a chair and sits. “I’ve been trying to come up with a game for you, you see, a logic game! With treasure, and dogs, and all that jazz, just like you wanted.”

Lily’s eyes widen. “You have? Really? I thought you would’ve fallen asleep by now drinking all that gross stuff in that little thingy.” She sneaks a glance at the bottle sitting idle behind Cruella’s back. “And whatever was in there.”

For everyone’s sake, Cruella decides to ignore that.

“Oh, I think you’re really going to like this...” Cruella says, leaning over and extending her arm to pat the little bugger on her head, and giggling when Lily blinks each time she does. “You’re going on a scavenger hunt! The doggies are waiting outside; they’ve helped me hide six things around the town for you to find before Maleficent comes home this evening. Won’t that be smashing?”

“Yeah! That’s—!” Lily stops, frowning at her stomach when it makes a noise. She clutches it. “Can we eat first? I’m hungry _now_ , and Mama never lets me run around on an empty stomach.”

“Ugh, fine,” Cruella sighs, standing up. “Such high maintenance...”

She stumbles to the refrigerator to rummage for something the needy little thing could eat that wouldn’t need her for, wincing at the brightness of the light bulb. For someone whose cooking skills are crispy at best and charred at worst, Maleficent made sure her fridge was stocked with just about everything. Finally, she selects an unopened pack of frozen hot dog sausages from the freezer and flings them over her shoulder.

It lands on the floor with a loud thud.

“There,” she says, shutting the fridge as she turns around, “You’re a big girl, and a dragon; make them yourself.”

Making a face, Lily picks up the sausages. Before she has a chance to protest, Cruella grabs her by the arm and pulls her to the back door. She kicks it open to reveal six dogs, almost all of different breeds, sitting quietly in a half-moon shape, tails wagging. While Lily gasps at the sight of them, Cruella pushes her outside.

“Now you listen carefully, because I will only say this once—These dogs are going to help you. For every object you find, the dog who hid it will return here so I know how far you’ve gotten. The logic part of this game will come into play once you find all six. You have a little under four and a half hours until Maleficent comes home, so I suggest you get started. Tah-tah, then.”

“WAIT!” Cruella groans as Lily pushes against the door with her small body. “You’re not coming? _You’re_ supposed to watch me, Auntie Cruella, not the dogs!”

“Oh, bloody hell,” mutters Cruella through gritted teeth, “I have to go see a man about a dog, so I can’t. Now, go!”

“But what are their—” She slams the door in the face of the loud little ruffian and growls when Lily continues talking anyway.

“ _Auntiiiiee_!” whines the brat in her whiny little voice, “The dogs! What’re their names?! And you haven’t given me a clue! Where do I start?”

This is the last time she babysits for Maleficent. It doesn’t matter what the old girl says, or how she says it.

She opens the door and points to each dog as she names them. “Horace, Jasper, Pongo, Lady, Tramp, and Carlos. Pick a mutt and follow it; that’s your one and only clue. Now, GO. Get out of here, you little snip, before I order these dogs to chase you about the town with the intent to kill!”

Having dropped the still frozen sausages to pound her fists against the door, Lily scoops up them up into her arms and runs down the backyard porch to the fence. The dogs follow her obediently and silently. She unlocks it quickly, lets them out first, and sends one final glance at Cruella before going through.

Finally.

Cruella safely closes and locks the back door. She makes her way back to the living room, shuts off the television and falls onto the couch in a spent heap.

Not a moment later comes the pitter-patter of footsteps on the front porch.

“You can’t do that, Auntie!” the little brat yells through the window, “You’re not allowed to kill me in any way, shape, or form! So there! Hah!”


End file.
